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the gleaming royal blue anchor i am being told to be, i accept

June 17, 2011

several years ago faith and an ease were in me for a brief period of maybe a few months and without barely a thought every step i took tiny and at the stride of giants just the same seemed to be exactly the step i was meant to take – i believe god had placed his hands on mine and it was amazing and virtually impossible to explain here in this writing, yet i’ll give it a valiant effort – and then the drug of easy money and misplaced arrogance won out over what i knew to do and then the opportunity and the monetary vanished and with an overwhelming & menacing stress i crashed, completely – the money crashing was and is so pathetically trivial to even begin to worry about in hindsight yet my mind wasn’t prepared – as a result anxiety anger resentment and self-pity along with a cocktail for me of additional nearly deadly and overwhelming negative emotions swept over me and nearly took me for good – i was in a place i fear is even worse than the numbing of addictive narcotics that many of us fall victim to and i hadn’t a clue there was anything wrong with me – nothing in my life at that point seemed to have been fair or happy and my contempt and hyper-critically judgmental mindset drove many away yet i was unaware of how i was suffering – and then the turn began when a godsend of help arrived at my doorstep because of my wife, rena – the doctor she’d been helping with his childrens’ charity became my lifeline to finding my way back to clarity and a far more content and at-ease mind that steadily allowed healing and understanding and happiness to set-in – without him i believe i wouldn’t be here today – for many months in this time before the help i desperately and absolutely unwittingly needed arrived there was no rhythm in my mind or light in my heart at all and the pain was excruciating beyond what i can say in words – if it hadn’t have been for rena and the good doctor i wouldn’t have made it –

 

at this time i am stronger than i have ever been yet the same maliciously deceptively self-destructive mindset has come into my world yet again but now for me i am able to see – in the calm of the fully moonlit caribbean wind a spectacular and ever-present image glowing royal blue anchor is marking our way for all who can see – and to see to me this time around is at once the presence of god that in me is guided by that rhythm in my mind i so often speak of – and this time the rhythm while faint at times is there and is helping me be what i need to be and become in the guiding hand of god for me and for us – and then my mind brings to light from a glowing day of childhood in 1979 when i brought home elo’s ‘discovery’ record and now i can hear it all over again  – god please shine a little love on us just as soon as you can – if you aren’t yourself please ask for help and if you see a loved one or friend that’s not the same please help them ask for help as you just may save your life or their life or both – don’t wait and don’t not get involved if you care for or love them – it’s far too hard to try and figure it all out on our own – in fact i learned the very hard way it’ll nearly kill you because it’s impossible – choose strength raise your hand and reach for help – god bless us all ~rettingerrockfiles/RRF~

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